


Whiskey and Epiphanies

by xLyrael



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 3x06, Coda, Communication, Drunk Alec, Episode Tag, M/M, Talking It Out Like Adults
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 01:13:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14509266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xLyrael/pseuds/xLyrael
Summary: Alec sat in the cab and hazily watched the city blur by. His conversation with Underhill swam in his mind, but one thing stood out, catching his attention like a snagged finger on a loose string."Nephilim love once, fiercely."Or, an add-on to the end of s3e6 when Alec leaves in the cab.





	Whiskey and Epiphanies

**Author's Note:**

> This is absolute trash, but I spent too long on it to throw it away like I should. It's basically gratuitous communication-porn. Alec's issues with Magnus's immortality make no sense to me, so this is just me trying to work it out so it's a little less presumptuous on his part, plus a little bit of exploration of some unbalanced things in their relationship. 
> 
> (Also, as of posting this I haven't seen 6x07, so excuse anything that gets absolutely Jossed. Also also, we're ignoring the fact that "*spoiler* is the Owl" would absolutely be the first thing out of Magnus's mouth, because then this fic wouldn't be able to happen in the first place.)

Alec sat in the cab and hazily watched the city blur by. His conversation with Underhill swam in his mind, but one thing stood out, catching his attention like a snagged finger on a loose string.

_"Nephilim love once, fiercely."_

Alec knew this, of course. Shadowhunter children were raised on that romantic epithet, among others, to the point that it almost had a myth-like quality. Izzy had declared it ridiculous the moment she’d been old enough to understand it, and she used every one of her short-lived relationships as evidence. Alec thought she had misunderstood something fundamental somewhere along the way, but he didn’t argue, not even when she bitterly used their father as the newest example of love’s futility.

Of all the many, many Shadowhunter sayings and beliefs, Alec was never sure why he had ended up latching onto this one in particular when he was young. Perhaps it was the way his mother had woven it into bedtime stories, her voice wistful and nostalgic, turning it from simple fact to something beautiful and bright to achieve one day, to be able to say, “Look, mother, I found it.”

As he got older it was just another dream to shove into the box labeled: Things Alec Can Never Have, pushed down next to other things like ‘acceptance,’ and ‘happiness,’ and ‘being wanted.’

Alec was still unpacking that box.

Now Underhill, practically a stranger, had managed to pull out the phrase that seemed determined to lead Alec to a drunken epiphany, so long as he could somehow drag his mind away from awful, meandering metaphors.

Alec tried to blink away his grogginess and rubbed his eyes, slurring out a change of address to the cab driver. He had to get to Magnus now, before he sobered up and lost his train of thought. He had a feeling this was a Very Important Breakthrough for at least some of their recent episodes of strife.

Magnus would be pleased, and maybe they could go back to normal so Alec’s heart would stop hurting every time he looked at him.

When they arrived outside the loft, Alec handed the driver his fare and stepped onto the curb, the speech he had concocted along the way only feeling half as clumsy as his swaying body as he made his way upstairs.

Alec knocked at Magnus's door and waited, hoping he wasn't still with his client. Disappointment swirled inside him briefly as he wondered if there had even been a client, or if Magnus had just wanted to avoid him.

He pushed those thoughts away as he heard the locks disengaging. Once he explained this to Magnus maybe they could stop bickering long enough to come to an understanding.

Magnus pulled open the door and seemed surprised to see Alec standing there.

“I didn't think I'd see you tonight,” Magnus said evenly, leaving Alec unsure how he felt about it.

“Yeah, I just... wanted to talk,” Alec said, the carefully planned speech dying on the tip of his tongue as he got a good look at Magnus. “By the Angel, Magnus, are you okay?”

Magnus gave a smile that was closer to a grimace. Alec could tell he was in the process of healing himself, but there was still a patch of what looked like road rash along his cheekbone and one of his hands. How bad had it been before he'd started healing?

"I'm alright," Magnus said, shaking his head. "But something happened tonight that we need to discuss."

"Yes!" Alec said, a bit louder than necessary, thoughts refocused. "I need to tell you something important."

"Well, come on in and let's talk, unless you'd like to have these conversations in the hallway," Magnus said, stepping back to let Alec in. "You know you don't have to start knocking just because we fought, right?"

"I didn't... I wasn't sure if you wanted to see me," Alec said. He swayed forward slightly on his way in and Magnus steadied him with a hand on his chest.

"I always want to see you," Magnus said softly, then asked, "Alexander, are you drunk?"

"I might be just a little bit drunk," Alec said slowly as they made their way to the den. "And I maybe had too much at the end, 'cause I'm dizzier now than I was before. But Underhill said it was okay, but I also don't really know what that means, 'cause then he said that's not what he meant."

Magnus stilled next to him. "You were drinking with Underhill? I thought you were at dinner with your family."

"Yes," Alec said.

Magnus raised an eyebrow. "Yes to which?"

"Yes to... um, both." Alec closed his eyes and rested his head on the back of the sofa he had been led to by Magnus, but decided that was a bad idea as it made the spinning worse. He reopened his eyes and looked at Magnus, sitting next to him but further away than Alec would have liked.

"I had dinner with everyone, and then I got a drink, and then you weren't coming so I got another drink"—Magnus winced—"and Underhill was there and said it was okay for the Institute Head to drink, so I did drink some more." Alec was aware enough to know that the tense look on Magnus's face, lips pressed together as if to keep in angry words, was a bad thing, and he faltered for a moment. "And, um... I think I wasn't being very nice, so he left, and then I was too drunk to go back to my mother, so he got me a cab and—oh!" Magnus jumped at Alec's sudden enthusiasm. "That's what I was going to tell you: I love you."

"It was this important to tell me you love me?" Now Magnus's pressed lips seemed to be holding in reluctant laughter rather than anger. "Alexander, darling, you have a phone. Not that I'm complaining, of course, but you may have overblown the situation just a tad."

"No, but, like," Alec started, not sure where his very eloquent speech went, "I love you _a lot_."

"Alec—" Magnus started, putting his hand over Alec's and squeezing, but Alec interrupted before he could continue.

"It's not just—it's _forever_ , Magnus," Alec stressed, catching his attention more seriously. "It's forever and _I know_ it's forever, but I don't think you understand, not really. I didn't understand either until Underhill reminded me, and then some things started to make sense to me."

Magnus let out a slow breath, releasing tension he'd been holding since the most recent mention of Underhill. "Things like what?" he asked quietly.

Alec paused for a moment to try and get his thoughts together. Slowly, he said, "Shadowhunters—when we find that person, the one we love with our whole _being_ , like... like the way I love you... that's it for us." Alec turned his hand over under Magnus's so he could return his grasp and continued before Magnus could reply. "Some people think it's a myth, but it's not. And for a while, I've been wondering why it feels like you and I have been on such different pages, like—like I jumped ahead whole years in the relationship and left you behind at two months."

"Alexander—"

"Wait, please?" Alec asked. "I'm afraid if I wait too long I'll lose my nerve."

Magnus nodded hesitantly and Alec took a breath.

"I think that the moment I knew it was you, I was all in," Alec said, looking at their interlocked hands instead of Magnus's face. "I knew I loved you and so that meant _forever_. And it wasn't—it wasn't a conscious thought, so I didn't even realize that was my mindset, or that you wouldn't be the same way—no, it's okay, it's not—it's not a bad thing," he said when he could tell Magnus wanted to protest. "I just—like when I asked to move in. I realize now that the normal suggestion should have been something like a _drawer_ , maybe, but instead, to me it was... What's the difference between doing it now and doing it later when the end result is the same? When I already know we work, and therefore will be together forever? I'm not saying it's completely logical, and it, you know, leaves out the fact that you might have your own opinions on us staying together, but I think that was my reasoning..." Alec trailed off and there was silence for a few moments.

"And I think..." Alec continued quietly, "I think that's what I meant when I asked to get back together. When I said I couldn't live without you. I—I wouldn't literally die without you, obviously." He wasn't one hundred percent sure on that one, but Magnus didn't need to know that. "But I—it would be hard to go on, knowing that I let you go and that was _it_."

Alec finally looked up at Magnus, but other than a tight grip on Alec's hand and slightly wet eyes, his face very carefully revealed nothing. Alec sighed. "I don't want us to get there again," he said. "I don't want to—to lose you again. I'm sorry. I know I've been... a little overwhelming, and petty, and—it's not fair. It's not fair to you. I think I was just feeling— _jealous_ , and I hate that, but it's hard to think that—that you are _everything_ to me, and always will be, but I'm... I'm just your here and now," he finished lamely. "But it's not fair to take that out on you. I just need to... process it and get over it."

Alec was finally silent. After a long, tense moment, Magnus let out a shuddering breath and quickly wiped at his eyes.

"Alexander..." Magnus said, almost whispering. "Sometimes I never know what to expect from you. But you do have one thing wrong."

Alec frowned. "What do you mean?"

Magnus looked at him, finally letting what he was feeling show on his face, and Alec was stunned at the fierceness there.

"You are _not_ just my here and now," Magnus said firmly. "Thinking about things in the context of the present keeps me _sane_ , but that doesn't mean that's all you are to me. I promise you, my love for you is _endless,_ and it will endure long, _long_ after you're gone, and that is _just_ as hard for me to think about."

The whispered last few words reverberated through Alec as he closed his eyes and pulled Magnus close, resting his head against Magnus’s and just breathing, thankful Magnus had taken his admission calmly; he’d worried that the weight of his feelings for him would be too much.

Finally, he pulled back slightly and looked at Magnus, bringing the hand not still holding Magnus’s up to stroke his cheek. Magnus came forward to kiss him gently, but after a moment Alec pulled back with a frown as his thumb brushed a rough spot on his cheek.

“Will you tell me what happened tonight?” Alec asked.

“In a moment,” Magnus said, resting a hand on Alec’s neck and pulling him in for one more short kiss, then just settling close to him. “Let’s be selfish for one moment, and then we can rejoin the world.”

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you thought? Don't worry, I can take it.


End file.
